Social customs are just beginning to develop online. You have the opportunity to contribute to this changing social landscape, but be prepared to show a little pioneer spirit. When stepping outside your door on the Internet, you can find yourself in strange neighborhoods with a single click.

Take time when you enter these new places to take stock of the people, the way they behave, and to consider the appropriate way to put your best foot forward. Recognize that there are millions of options and think about whether you want to be invest your effort in one site before committing the energy to filling out long questionnaires offered to “personalize” your experience or striking up conversations with people you don’t know. We’re not saying you need to be paranoid about exposing yourself online, rather that it is best to take the same kind of steps you would in any new setting or with new acquaintances. Watch a little, learn. Make your own decisions about how to participate rather than be carried along by the crowd.

People are as varied as the weather, though it’s still easy to spot the local patterns based on how social networkers present themselves online. The reason we urge you to begin our social networking explorations with friends and family is simply that it gives you a firm grounding in the use of the tools before you add the complications of social signals from people and cultures with which you are not familiar. Once you are familiar with the tools, social networking is all about learning to wield those tools with the same grace you conduct your daily social life.

Social behavior is highly local, whether a neighborhood is out your door or on a networked computer half a world away, and we’re used to getting feedback instantaneously through visual and other cues that aren’t always available online. We usually recognize cultural differences only when, seeing a movie, television show or tourist from another country display behavior, ways of dressing or interacting with others that seems bizarre, rude or thoughtless. They clearly do not see that behavior as unusual, but you may. On the Internet, the unusual and diverse is on every day, on every channel. You also get to choose where you want to spend your time, with whom you’ll spend it and what behavior in which you’ll participate.

And, remember, the social awkwardness you feel arriving in these new places cuts both ways. Everyone is learning about the behavior of others, doing things that may seem, or actually are, embarrassing. It’s like the first day of school. The world is growing up a bit every time a new connection is made across national and cultural boundaries, because we’re learning to understand one another. The social network is a chance to be measured and accepted for who we are as individuals and and within our cultures.

Personal connections overcome cultural conflicts

American teens on MySpace are learning that, if they “throw gang signs” (that is, make hand gestures that are supposed to be stylish) in their profile photo, people around the world will assume they are criminals, although almost none of them are. Nevertheless, a profile photo typical in America could give an Indian or Chinese visitor the idea that their new friend was in a gang or interested in a sexual relationship because of the way they dress or they expose more skin that is traditional in those countries.

Likewise, the obligations of friendship online can easily become confusing. For example, asking someone for a favor is a sign of growing trust and friendship in some countries, while asking favors is seen as an imposition in others. The savvy social networker recognizes not only the big picture tendencies of different cultures but the nuances of individual relationships.

For Americans, the “continuous partial attention” we give to several different activities at one time will be seen as extremely rude by societies where patient attention is the foundation of friendships. We also talk about multi-tasking, which sounds pretty cool, but it is still rude to most of the people on the planet, As I write this, I am also watching the game 11 of the 2008 World Chess Championship game and following a live blog commenting on the play, as well as chatting with a couple people through instant messaging on Skype. I’m giving each task part of my attention, and it lets me keep friendships active even when I am writing about friendship.

It would not be good manners to start talking about the match with someone in, for example, Russia, if we were already discussing a different topic. The sudden change of subject would be jarring and suggest I wasn’t really interested in talking with them. I wouldn’t be giving them the respect they are giving me by paying complete attention to my words (even if they happen to be watching the chess match, too). However, if I know my friend in Russia is rooting for Russian Grandmaster Viktor Kramnik, and there is an appropriate moment, I might mention that his countryman is playing a good game (at least, he did through the 13^th move, when he made the first of two mistakes) and win some points being attentive to his interests. See, I’ve given each of these activities attention.

Again, it is how we weave together the experience of being our friend for others, rather than just talking over the network that will make your online relationships special. The truth is, this is not very different than being an engaging guest at a party or in office friendships.

Out of context

The ability to move from one topic to another is a critical social skill that, in physical relationships, is learned by watching for facial expressions in reaction to the conversation. If someone starts looking bored or uncomfortable, you change the topic—in most social networks today, that feedback isn’t available because most interaction still comes in the form of text messages. Even when video is the medium, such as on the Seesmic.com network, it’s very easy to misconstrue social cues, since people tend to perform to the camera rather than speak naturally. Or, when using video to communicate by posting messages in response to others, when we aren’t talking in real-time, the cues we think we can count on may become misleading.

Understand that all the cues we rely on when meeting physically are missing when you begin a discussion online. For many cultures, the act of becoming friends is a protracted process full of consequences and, in some cases, obligations. But social networks treat becoming friends as a first and relatively inconsequential step—the word “friend” means almost nothing it does in one-to-one relationships in the offline world. “Friend” merely suggests that you’ve made a connection, one that could become an intense interaction or a very casual and occasional exchange of pleasantries.

The idea of “friend” may be the most confusing factor in social networks. Some people have decided its important to have lots of friends—thousands of them, though there is no way to really interact personally with all those people. That’s not the meaningful way to use social networks for most people, even if cultivating a “micro-celebrity” persona is a way to do business online. Many of the conversations about social networking on sites around the Net focus on that kind of micro-celebrity approach. They are easy to identify by phrases like “how to get more followers on Twitter” or “using your Web server stats to grow your audience.”

We urge you to remember your friends are precious and to treat this technology as a way to connect deeply.

Some general guidelines

We’ll be adding items to this list together, but to start this discussion, here are a few of the “rules of the road” for social networkers:

• Really, “adding a friend” is not the same as friendship. It’s only a start. Don’t dilute your real friendships with too much “friending.” People do consider how seriously you take them and their friendship.
• Don’t use all capital letters when typing, it’s SHOUTING.
• Regulate your updates. Not everyone wants to know everything you are doing all day, even if some do. Consider using multiple micro-blogging feeds, such as Twitter and Friendfeed (you can combine feeds to create comprehensive “lifestreaming” for your closest friends), to keep your communication focused—and just to keep the personal from becoming public business.
• It’s okay to turn down friend requests from people you don’t know. Just do it.
• It’s also okay, but a delicate matter, to reclassify the kind of relationship someone initiates. Many social sites ask you to characterize the type of relationship, for instance a new connection would be categorized as “colleague” or “best friend.” If someone who invites you to a relationship that seems set the wrong level to you, it is appropriate to change the type of friendship to one with which you are comfortable.
• Invitations to become friends or connect on a social network does not an create an obligation to accept. Keep in mind that some social networking sites grab addresses from your friends’ email address book and bombard them with invitations. Feel free to ignore social invitations.
• Practice kindness with people, but be ready to ban or block someone who is harassing you. One of the first things to find on a site is how to block unwanted attention—it’s critical you find this for your kids when they join a social network.
• Post considerately. That means thinking through whether you are disclosing private or embarrassing information about your friends (as well as you). Be particularly careful when posting pictures or gossip. The social network is global, and you can ruin friendships on a global scale with the wrong posting, not to mention preventing a friend from getting a job someday.
• Your profile picture is important to the impression you make. And it can become a kind of brand of shame, if you choose badly.
• Give, then take. Listen, then talk. This is excellent advice from blogger Jennifer Laycock.
• Remember that “thank you” isn’t always the right response, but it is one of the most valuable. In some countries, a “thank you” is like paying a bill for a meal you were invited to join. Sometimes, saying that you deeply appreciate the effort someone went to for you is ample thanks. In short, if you make friends with someone, know them well enough to treat them right.
• Always remember to understand your networks and that they differ from site to site. Be conscientious about how you use social networks, because they are made of people. Don’t create conflict or problems for yourself or others by crossing boundaries that are so much lower with social tools.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 at 8:08 pm and is filed under Lenovo Feature Articles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.